Sunday, December 21, 2014

Transcript of Kim Jong-Un's Discussions With His General About Sony

The following is a transcription which I'm certain has been captured by some agency somewhere and provided to me by an un-named, possibly government source. It takes place over several weeks and features private conversations between the DPRK Supreme Leader Kim Jon-un and the commanding officer of the DPRK's Army Unit 121.

KIM JONG-UN
Sony is making a movie about assassinating me called The Interview.
I want to destroy them. What are my options.

GENERAL
My people will do it.

KIM
Didn’t they attack the South Korean banks last year?

GENERAL
No that was South Korean Leftists.


KIM
 And weren’t your men responsible for the DDOS attacks against U.S. and South Korean government websites in 2009?


GENERAL
No, those were some Armenian kids.


KIM
So what exactly has your unit done, General?


GENERAL
We send our people to China where they steal trade secrets from the Americans and then sell them to the Russians, the Chinese, and the South Koreans. 

KIM
Good money doing that?

GENERAL
About fifty billion yuan a year.

KIM
And everyone thinks that it’s the Chinese! Brilliant! Now go attack Sony for insulting me. But make them think it’s not us.

GENERAL
Sir, who else would be offended that a movie was being made about killing you besides us?

KIM
It’s the entertainment industry. They steal from each other. They pay their people less than we pay ours just to say that they work in “the business”. Are you kidding me right now? They have more enemies than I do. 

GENERAL
But why say anything at all?

KIM
What?

GENERAL
My men are highly trained soldiers. I give them targets and they destroy them. They don’t tell anyone, let alone the target, who they are or what they’re doing.

KIM
But I thought you make up funny names for yourselves like “Dark Seoul” and leave cryptic messages in your attack code.

GENERAL
No, that’s not us. That’s the South Korean Leftists. They’re crazy people.

KIM
ARGH. I have to think. Leave me, General. I’m about to invade Snowdown with my War Poros.

As the General leaves, Kim returns to playing League of Legends and forgets about the movie.

Weeks later.

KIM 
General, someone called God’s Apostles or GOP has hacked Sony BIG TIME! Was that your people?

GENERAL
No sir. You never gave us the order. We think it was someone who used to work there for slave wages and wanted revenge. 

KIM
But why would they care about my movie?

GENERAL 
Apparently they didn’t. They just wanted Sony to pay money to the victims of its oppression. Your movie wasn’t mentioned until later.

KIM
Good. Then your people can keep making me money and not waste their time on that stupid movie.

GENERAL
How’s the assault on Snowdown coming, sir?

KIM
There’s a sale on Legacy skins. What do you think - Bad Santa Vieger or Slay Belle Katarina?

GENERAL
Katarina. Definitely.

6 days later

GENERAL
Sir, the American President says that we are to blame for the Sony attack and that there will be repercussions.

KIM(laughing) 
General, did he really say that or are you just pulling the leg?

The General holds up his iPad and plays a clip from President Obama’s press conference.

Kim jumps up and dances around his desk.

KIM
I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAN! 

Kim cracks open a bottle of Cristal and takes a swig.

GENERAL
Sir. It gets better. The Americans are asking the Chinese to help them stop us.

Kim looks at the general wide-eyed. Then bursts into a fit of laughter, spraying Cristal all over the general’s uniform.

KIM
“Oh, General. I am truly blessed by all the Buddhas. Not only has Sony been punished, but my greatest enemy the United States government has now shown the world how incompetent and vulnerable it is. Everything has fallen into place and I’ve had to do nothing!
Kim meditates for a moment on his many blessings.

KIM
General, I have an idea. Tell the American President that we didn't do this and that we'll help him find out who did. What the hell. I'm feeling magnanimous.

- END -

RELATED:

Why You Should Demand Proof Before Believing The U.S. Government On North Korea and Sony
Sony, the DPRK, and the Thailand - Pyongyang Connection
"Sony Hacker Language Analyzed" - Language Log article by Victor Mair
"Responsible Attribution: A Prerequisite for Accountability" by Jeffrey Carr - NATO Cooperative Cyber Defense Centre of Excellence  Tallinn, Estonia. 

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